I can’t do it, and I can’t handle the emotions I’ll feel when I fail! Sounds pathetic, but it is what it is. As I realize my own limitations, I began to accept my humanity and extend grace to myself. I am all worried about being able to walk up Mt. Scott tomorrow morning with a group of friends who all workout with the same trainer. Yes, I know it is meant to be fun, but it has caused me great angst.
It is a 3 mile hike up the road with an 8% grade in places. My trainer RAN up it on Sunday in less than 40 minutes. (she is amazing) She had a great idea that we could all walk up it tomorrow instead of our normal Friday workout. Great idea for everyone except for me… let’s see… anyone else spent their entire life fat? No. Anyone else in the group failed to walk 3 miles even just on flat ground? No. Anyone in the group ever run a 5K or a marathon? Yes, everyone except me. So, instead of feeling all the negative energy of failure, I choose to extend grace and stay home. I am just not ready to be put in that position again. I have spent the greater part of my life as someone who participates from the “outside”. Oh, I’m there at all the events; but I’m off to the side watching everyone else as they achieve, participate, enjoy… So tomorrow when they are all up on top of the mountain celebrating and taking their pictures to post on facebook, I’ll be here at home; cleaning my house, caring for my family, exercising with my husband, and processing through my emotions. Instead of gasping for breath, I’ll be breathing in grace and exhaling peace.

ADDENDUM: My husband and I went out to the refuge around 10am and walked halfway up the mountain. 1 and 1/2 miles and then walked back down. I can no longer say that I haven’t ever walked 3 miles! I have a plan to add to my hike, we mapped out 2 miles for next time. I am so thankful for friends who understand, a husband who loves me for who I am, and a God who gives just enough grace for each moment! 6 months ago I wouldn’t have ever been able to do what I did today. Thanks Mandy for training me, encouraging me and believing in me. Who knows what I’ll be able to do 6 months from now!