Tag Archives: failure

my word of the year… a few months late

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Last year my word of the year was QUIET. It came to me during the 2010 Christmas holidays, and it rang true on so many levels throughout the year. So as I approached 2012 I was anxious to find that word; the point of focus for this year. I waited, I prayed, I read, I discussed… At some point in January Greg came to me and stated in true “man, leader, see-the-hill, take-the-hill” fashion that the word of the year should be RESULTS! Now, I agree with him, we could sure use some results around here at the Erway house… but, was it my word? Could I see myself focusing on RESULTS? I guess my innate fear of failing took over and I couldn’t allow myself to proclaim that truly this would be the year of RESULTS.

I am working for results
I am praying for results
I am trusting God that results will happen

But where is my focus?

I am happy to say that today I finally feel like I have my word. STREAMLINE.
Ya know what? STREAMLINE is the key to RESULTS. God is cool like that!

So, here is to STREAMLINE – Let the purging begin… did I just say that? I know some will be painful, some will be liberating, all will bring about RESULTS.

How about you? Do you have a “Word of the Year”? I would love to hear what God is doing in you life.

the long and winding road…

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June 2010 I started my fat to fit journey. Greg and I committed to set aside the funds and the time for me to work with a personal trainer for one year. I had no way of knowing what that year would bring or where I would be at its end. For 12 months straight, without fail, I worked out 3-5 times a week. I took workout clothes and swimsuits on trips. I worked out, swam laps, and watched what I ate even on an anniversary getaway. I had a year to do this and I was determined to make it work… I hadn’t ever been that committed, I hadn’t ever faced a harder task. Don’t misunderstand, the physical part was hard. I had more days with sore muscles than I had days that were pain free (no pain, no gain), but the physical pain was nothing compared to the emotional angst I experienced. See, I failed. My plan didn’t bring about the results I wanted; in fact one year to the day, I weighed exactly the same as I did on the day I started! What? How can this be?

I’ll never forget how back in February of 2011 my weight loss came to a screeching halt, and then I started to gain… Each time I would step on the scale I weighed more than I did the time before. I began to workout harder, eat less, go gluten free, protein shake fasts, whatever I could think of. I was in panic mode. I was tired, but not your ordinary every day tired. I was, face plant at any moment, tired! I began to deal with depression… how can I be failing again? In the past I knew I had failed to lose weight because I wasn’t consistent. Well, I was consistent, and it wasn’t working.

I finally found my answer in a simple blood test, my thyroid had stopped working. I was anemic, I had hormone imbalance, and I lacked vitamin D. Great! Now we can fix this and get back on track. Did you know that it can take months to regulate your thyroid? It can, and it has. But, 6 months later after starting medicine, my thyroid is functioning and I feel like I have my life back. I returned to my workouts and felt like finally it would all come together. Not yet, let’s take another detour on this journey. This detour is called knee surgery! I injured my ACL and my meniscus. I am happy to report that less than 3 weeks after my surgery I am walking with only a slight limp and I am riding a stationary bike.
Even though the road has been long and winding with many detours, I can say I am stronger and healthier than when I started.

I have started to lose weight again, but what I have learned is so much more important:

I am strong
I can follow through with commitment
I can’t make things right, and that’s fine
I have a God who uses the winding roads to take us on detours of grace
I really do care more now about being healthy than being thin
I know the journey is more important than the destination

2 steps forward, one step back…

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If you read my blog, you know I have been on a fat to fit journey for over a year now. You also know that about 6 months ago I started gaining weight even though I was still working out and eating right. They diagnosed thyroid issues, prescribed meds and the waiting began. 4 months into medicine therapy I do feel a little better, and 2 weeks ago I lost 3.8 pounds! I was thrilled, I was hopeful, I was wrong… This week I gained 2 pounds.

Yes, I know I was on vacation, but I also know that I worked out every day except one (Sunday). I guess the good news is I didn’t gain 3.8 pounds, or 8.3 pounds, or worse 38 pounds! HA! It’s a journey, and while I’ll never win a swimsuit competition, I will win a healthier life; isn’t that what matters.

If you are on a fat to fit journey along with me, don’t give up! We can do this; one step, one workout, one pound at a time!

letting myself off the hook; again…

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I can’t do it, and I can’t handle the emotions I’ll feel when I fail! Sounds pathetic, but it is what it is. As I realize my own limitations, I began to accept my humanity and extend grace to myself. I am all worried about being able to walk up Mt. Scott tomorrow morning with a group of friends who all workout with the same trainer. Yes, I know it is meant to be fun, but it has caused me great angst.

It is a 3 mile hike up the road with an 8% grade in places. My trainer RAN up it on Sunday in less than 40 minutes. (she is amazing) She had a great idea that we could all walk up it tomorrow instead of our normal Friday workout. Great idea for everyone except for me… let’s see… anyone else spent their entire life fat? No. Anyone else in the group failed to walk 3 miles even just on flat ground? No. Anyone in the group ever run a 5K or a marathon? Yes, everyone except me. So, instead of feeling all the negative energy of failure, I choose to extend grace and stay home. I am just not ready to be put in that position again. I have spent the greater part of my life as someone who participates from the “outside”. Oh, I’m there at all the events; but I’m off to the side watching everyone else as they achieve, participate, enjoy… So tomorrow when they are all up on top of the mountain celebrating and taking their pictures to post on facebook, I’ll be here at home; cleaning my house, caring for my family, exercising with my husband, and processing through my emotions. Instead of gasping for breath, I’ll be breathing in grace and exhaling peace.

ADDENDUM: My husband and I went out to the refuge around 10am and walked halfway up the mountain. 1 and 1/2 miles and then walked back down. I can no longer say that I haven’t ever walked 3 miles! I have a plan to add to my hike, we mapped out 2 miles for next time. I am so thankful for friends who understand, a husband who loves me for who I am, and a God who gives just enough grace for each moment! 6 months ago I wouldn’t have ever been able to do what I did today. Thanks Mandy for training me, encouraging me and believing in me. Who knows what I’ll be able to do 6 months from now!

reunion season is here…

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Most people have one of two reactions when they read those words, either fear or joy. Why can one word- reunion – create such strong emotions that are complete opposite? What has a stronger pull, our past relationships, or our current state of success or lack thereof? I mean really, if you were a nerd in high school who never donned the door of a prom, but now you are a successful self made millionaire with a beautiful wife, aren’t you excited about the reunion? What happens to the cheerleader voted most beautiful who now has a string of failed relationships, how does she feel about the reunion? Worse yet, what if you were average then and are still average today, do you even plan to go?

This summer I will be attending 3 reunions, none of them mine. This weekend is the first. I will be accompanying my guy to a reunion of his church youth group. He and a former pastor’s son have been planning and talking for months now. I am so excited for him and at the same time a little shocked. Greg hasn’t ever been the social one. It is usually me who wants to go where the people are, to catch up, to not miss out. For some reason he wants to reconnect and I think it is great. There will be a program Saturday night and naturally Greg is planning that. He will also be leading worship for his home church Sunday morning. The funny thing is, most of them don’t even know he plays the piano. Greg wasn’t the child prodigy or even the teen star. He has always called himself a late bloomer! It will be lots of fun I am sure. I think Greg has joy for his reaction. I am experiencing a little of both. I certainly don’t want to relive some of my humiliating moments( see past blog). Unfortunately, lipo and a facelift weren’t an option.

So think happy thoughts for me – I ‘m sure there will be plenty to share when we get back!

This is a picture of Greg conducting an orchestra rehearsal in the park…bet none of them know he can do that either!